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Tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of causing hurt, and most of all tired of the death. He was also tired of pretending. He was determined not to lose his final brother at any cost, and Kami knows that Hashirama was useless at keeping himself out of trouble. He saw the best in people, seemingly no matter what. Tobirama was a realist. A much as he would love to see the end of the fighting he needed to deal with the present realities of it.
He refused to allow any more of his kin to die if he could prevent it. Hashirama, and many others, thought he fought only to kill, fought for revenge, fought because he hated the Uchiha. He did not. He fought for his clan, for the survival of his family, he fought so others would not lose their loved ones as he had lost Itama and Kawarama.
He fought, even as every battle and every kill pushed his remaining brother farther and farther away from him. Tobirama did not think Hashirama even really knew what was going on as the distance between them grew. Did not realize as casual touches became rarer and rarer until they had finally disappeared all together. Did not realize as his eyes stopped looking at Tobirama and started looking past or through him.
Did not realize as he stopped hearing what Tobirama was really saying and started replying to what Butsuma would have said instead. However, Tobirama himself noticed only too well. He noticed each small but more of distance as it appeared and felt each more strongly then any physical blow. But he said nothing, burying the pain inside and doing all he could to help his brother. He did all the boring work required to keep the clan running without complaint.
He buried his own desires, his own dreams, and his own emotions to focus on better serving his brother. And, because of all this no one realized. His greatest secret, and weakness stayed secret. He pushed down any signs of weakness, he took command, he pushed himself; and so, his whole clan assumed. Even his brother assumed. The clan saw the heir they needed, the heir that left them feeling secure and protected. They saw his projected image and never looked deeper. No one realized how he longed for touches to linger.
No one noticed dis desperate wishes for hugs or comfort. No one saw how stressed being in charge, giving orders, and directing the others made him. No one noticed his true dynamic. Tobirama was not the cold controlled face he presented to the world. In reality, he felt everything deeply.
Each unkind word, and avoidance of his touch by those who claimed to love him broke him deep within. He had thought, once, that he could tell his brother. But then Hashirama had met Madara. So, Tobirama had swallowed his words and kept his counsel as the one grounding presence he had distanced himself from him slowly. He was well aware that what he was doing was unhealthy. A submissive needed to be able to let go, to give up control regularly.
Without comforting touches, without someone they trusted utterly they became unstable. Were Tobirama anyone else he would likely have gone mad by now. However, Tobirama had been taught discipline and control from birth, so he was able to force it down and focus on his need to keep Hashirama, keep his last brother, here. He focused on protecting the clan Hashirama loved, focused on keeping things so his only source of warmth could stay warm, could stay happy.
That was not to say he was unaffected. He was fading slowly, so slowly that no one but him could see it. Even so, he ate only the minimum needed to keep him in fighting shape. He was thin naturally but was barely more then skeletal these days.
He was, as previously mentioned, tired. Friday 17 December Saturday 18 December Sunday 19 December Monday 20 December Tuesday 21 December Wednesday 22 December Thursday 23 December Friday 24 December Saturday 25 December Sunday 26 December Monday 27 December Tuesday 28 December Wednesday 29 December Thursday 30 December Friday 31 December Saturday 1 January Sunday 2 January Monday 3 January Tuesday 4 January Wednesday 5 January Thursday 6 January Friday 7 January Saturday 8 January Sunday 9 January Monday 10 January Tuesday 11 January Wednesday 12 January Thursday 13 January Friday 14 January Saturday 15 January Sunday 16 January Monday 17 January Tuesday 18 January Wednesday 19 January Thursday 20 January Friday 21 January Saturday 22 January Sunday 23 January Monday 24 January Tuesday 25 January Wednesday 26 January Thursday 27 January Friday 28 January Saturday 29 January Sunday 30 January Monday 31 January Tuesday 1 February Wednesday 2 February Thursday 3 February Friday 4 February Saturday 5 February Sunday 6 February Monday 7 February Tuesday 8 February Wednesday 9 February Thursday 10 February Friday 11 February Saturday 12 February Sunday 13 February Monday 14 February Tuesday 15 February Wednesday 16 February Thursday 17 February Friday 18 February Saturday 19 February Sunday 20 February Monday 21 February Tuesday 22 February Wednesday 23 February Thursday 24 February Friday 25 February Saturday 26 February Sunday 27 February Monday 28 February Tuesday 1 March Wednesday 2 March Thursday 3 March Friday 4 March Saturday 5 March Sunday 6 March Monday 7 March Tuesday 8 March Wednesday 9 March Thursday 10 March Friday 11 March Saturday 12 March Sunday 13 March Monday 14 March Tuesday 15 March Wednesday 16 March Thursday 17 March Friday 18 March Saturday 19 March Sunday 20 March Monday 21 March Tuesday 22 March Wednesday 23 March Thursday 24 March Friday 25 March Saturday 26 March Sunday 27 March Monday 28 March Tuesday 29 March Wednesday 30 March Thursday 31 March Friday 1 April
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